the original ah lian;
Thursday, August 31, 2006
I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy. I'm sleepy.
I decided to post, but apparently I can't find anything to say in my head, so I'll just rumage through my com and find one of the emo pieces I wrote. This would be the latest one.
What am I? Am I a girl? Celestine Lian? Karin/Purxira? Am I that messy-haired girl who sits next to Michelle Teo and plays games and surfs irrelevant websites sometimes during lesson time? Michellina would probably pipe up and go 'all the time'.
Hah. Don't you find it ironic that I confide in my clique the least? As in, about alot of stuff. I dunno. My clique. My friends don't really know much about my latest interest much. It's probably because my interests are ... numerous. To say the least. Heh.
It's 9. I probably should start on my jianbao. I can hear Stephanie and Michelle nagging in my head. I'd like to think I've developed mini little-stephanies, mini-valeries, mini-michelles, mini-michy-wichys and mini-euniversities, [and mini-rainy-mommies] in my head. that way I'm not that alone, contrary to that dark voice in my head. I'm a pessimist by blood, dna and example, did'ja know that?
I tend to write in show random bursts of thought. Haha, I know Ms Goh covered this one way back at CID. 'Stream of consiousness'. Whoops. Did I spell that right? Because that's what I am. My maid defines me as a person of more contradictions than a 'normal' person. Really? I don't really like to stereotype ya know. Do I have to have a yardstick of faceless people to define who I am?
I used to be gungho. I think I was stupid then. I wish I was more that now. Aha. I apparently can't have the cake and eat it too. So I'll think about eating it, and wish I was.
I used to be trusting. I'm a bit more cynical and jaded now, though I probably still have that last spark[of trust] inside me somewhere. I ain't wishing it to be gone, because I won't want to wish for it if it's really disappeared one day.
I've honed my skill at lying I guess. I read people slightly better. I question their motives, and find myself forgiving for it anyway. I think people are shallow and naive, but I wish I was like them. I kinda wish I don't know. So even if I act stupid I won't bother about the world around me. I don't hurt. myself, I mean.
People were talking about cutting. I was actually kinda shocked to hear `bout it. And then, I thought. 'Ah man, how narrow minded has your mind gotten?' And they talk about 'ant bite' cuts. And I realise, I don't even dare to even rest the blade `gainst my skin. Maybe once. But I've seen and I'm scared. I've been burned without even getting the blister. This is why I probably shouldn't be a doctor. To help, you sometimes have to cut and hurt. But first do no harm. [Catch no ball issit? xD]
I wish for things I don't got, yet I'll still keep wishing for more. I wish I was more hardworking, but not everyone can be a success story. Not everyone will get a shot at earning bucks. Sometimes, your dreams are shattered in a instant.
I want everything yet nothing at all. Shit, nirvana is probably what they're talking about. Eternal bliss. Nothing to worry about. But I'm looking at alot of good karma to accumulate. they've got to be people who're at the bottom so the ones at the top mean something.
Random thought : if this is my stream of consiousness, damn, my mind wanders alot.
I ponder; because I'm dying right now, the seconds slipping away like flour or fine grain. I might die tomorrow and I want to do so many things.
Life's unfair that way. Darn straight.
Other things. the other parts of my life I share with people. the many things I wonder about. Is this fair? What justifies this? And I deserving of this? Life's just one big roller coaster of things and questions which are answered with more questions.
Don't ask me why, else I'll just ask you why you're asking me that question. Rawr. Girls in BBG tend to do that, though euniversity seems to have picked up in the past week or so. Eunice does that. With the freaky hand motion along with that as well.
I know lots 'bout my clique. People call me inattentive, but I realise I pick up information in snippets, my brain stores whatever I find interesting.
This is why my clique in school scold me for not paying much attention in namely, maths class, but I know everything 'bout them. Stephanie when she's in her stephnie-mommy mood, she'll go 'Honestly Celestine,' All their bad moods. Laoban too. the indiosyncracies[this probably spelled wrong too.] of the 2S2 class. Politics. Humans are such interesting creatures.
AH, darn. It's TEN. shoulda do my jianbao.
I shall type it out. If that doesn't work, I'll copy it down into a piece of gao zhi and cut out the article.
I probably can't find a job, because my job scope will differ from day to day.
I wish I was a character in a story. And then if I'm famous like Harry Potter I'll get many people to write about me. introspective pieces on how they view me. Angst, humor. What I'll be. Horibble spelled ones and horrible plot. And then this way I don't have to dictate how my life lives and I'll live on forever and ever, in many different ways, with different dreams and maybe I'll fulfill them once upon a time in a fantasy land. And then went this life's over with a burst of imagination I'm alive again with yet another dream and me, just me being me with different people, loving them, being evil, good, happy, sad, angsty, dead, supernatural. I'll be a perfect girl for those horrible stories where I single-handedly save the story. And those where I die horribly and those where I do things that border on the light and dark and all that. That would be what I'll be. I can be ugly and pretty depending on all these minds.
Or I could be a guy.
And that would be immortality.
And that would be disturbing.
Okkayyy stream of consiousness going waaayyy out there.
I want to say all these things. I'm a wild roaming free bound cautious gungho spirit. Leanne/Elizabeth/Liz understands that feeling perfectly I guess. It's nice to let go and confide in a while, but you can't expect someone to shoulder all your burdens for you. That's selfish. But maybe sometimes you know that someone knows. And that's enough.
And I'm Celestine Lian Yun Lin/Karin/Purxira, searching for that unfindable song to define/understand me in my head and my heart. And it's flying/disappearingandgone and I'm left with that empty hole of uncertainty left in my heart.
But it's okay. I'll find another one.
subarashiki sekai 7:10 PM
